The infamous mood killer of a year would not just wither away and disappear, coloring Christmas (a traditionally joyous event) with Deathly Red as George Michael is sadly taken away from us at a fairly young age. People more intelligent that I hypothesized that 2016 didn't necessarily kill more celebrities than usual, more so that we are increasingly aware of their deaths in the age of vast information. To that I say "pfffft whatever nerds now gimme your lunch money".
So join me in my slow descent to madness as I uncover my most hated occurrences that plagued the last 12 months in an easy to read list format.
3 - The Gluttony of Awful Comedies
Oh Zac.... why did you have to have star billing in THREE different outrageously unfunny movies this year? Is this a Nic Cage situation? You.. you CAN talk to me y'know. Ahem... ANYWAYS, the 'Comedy' genre is kinda notorious for its shit show of a release schedule every year due to the wide profit margin, but when a years bookends with Ride Along 2 and Why Him?... Oh boy.
Melissa McCarthy continues her tyrannical rule over premises that are desperately grasping for comedic straws in The Boss. Adam Sandler's travesty of a career would just. Not. Fucking. END! in the Do-Over. Ben Stiller tries to capture former glory (missing by an astronomical amount) in Zoolander 2. The list could go on... Bad Moms, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, The Brothers Grimsby, Masterminds, etc. BUT the one movie that drives me insane, the one movie that I absolutely loathe to my very core...
Fucking. War Dogs.
The premise sounded amazing (2 twentysomething kids who are gun swindlers got the deal of a lifetime from the CIA) with actors that I, at the very least, kinda like (Jonah Hill and Miles Tiller). What we got instead was a wasteland of missed opportunities. To top all that, Jonah Hill got nominated for a Golden Globe for his performance. A GOD DAMN GLOBE WHAT THE FU
2- Blockbuster Mediocrity
Unlike a certain Mexican filmmaker, I believe great (sometimes excellent) cinema CAN come from the tentpole studio system. In 2014 alone we had: Captain America The Winter Soldier, X-Men Days of Future Past, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Edge of Tomorrow, Guardians of the Galaxy, How to Train Your Dragon 2, etc.
This year we have Captain America: Civil War! ..... and that's about it.
Marvel's other offering Dr. Strange was... ok I guess? That's the general feeling me, and a lot of people, got leaving the theaters after watching their anticipated massive flick. As you can see from the header, my most anticipated blockbuster was the supposed glorious return of Jason Motherfucking Bourne and.... it just fell flat on its face.
And let's not forget Ghostbusters.... actually I'd rather we just forget about it and let the kids enjoy their merchandise.
1- Ben Affleck is... just not having a good year you guys
A man who inspired me to coin the term "To Pull an Affleck". I mean... 10 years ago who would've thought we'd be rooting for him?! His career/relationship choices were mostly joke fodder to almost everyone surrounding and watching him. Hell even he knew that, to the point where he cast his own brother for his directorial debut instead of himself. Pffft what a schmuck, can't wait to see THIS disaster of a project!
Then.... Gone Baby Gone came along to raving critical reception and surprised audience reaction. Ben Affleck... THAT Ben Affleck made a great movie? Whatever, it's just a fluke. I'm sure that success won't be repeated.
Then The Town came along, nabbing him an Oscar nomination. Then Argo came along, winning an Oscar that year! People were rioting on the streets when he was announced to be playing Batman, but then Gone Girl came along proving he had incredible acting chops, DC fanboy naysayers be damned. Ben is on top of the world baby, nothing can stop this train!
But then... he was separated from his wife (a bad sign in Hollywood), BvS was released to scathing reviews, The Accountant was a mediocre mess, his brother is getting a lot of negative attention due to his bad history, and worst of all.... Live by Night, his 4th feature behind the camera, is bashed by critics and fans alike halting his successful streak as a great director.
If there's anybody in the treacherous plane known as Hollywood that I hope that gets back on their feet it's this man right here.
Good luck, Ben. And a massive FUCK YOU to 2016!